I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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