lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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