a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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