I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
