she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
