How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
