apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
