remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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