I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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