Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i came on her dog
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize