I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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