Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
