totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
