I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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