We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
