bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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