I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
