the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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