He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
