The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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