you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
