I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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