we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ketchup is God's man juice
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
