My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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