Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
