I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Be still, my beating vagina.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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