I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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