i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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