I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
