i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
