Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My cat gives me a boner
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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