6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
