It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
