Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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