I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
