There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
