Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
