for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
