Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
