When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
