i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
