I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In America we eat man semen.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I see more hoeing in ur future
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
