I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
