I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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