Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
