There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
