Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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