Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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