my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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