I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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