I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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