Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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