I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
