My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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